Over the years of my life I have encountered people from all walks of life. I have engaged in all types of behaviors, both good and bad, everything being relative. The one thing that has puzzled me, probably more than any single thing in my life, is the blind following of religion, and/or “God”, or a “God” in some person’s version. I rarely shy away from controversy, but on this particular subject I have always kept my “beliefs” somewhat muted.

I look on Facebook nearly everyday, and, nearly everyday someone has posted something or other about how Jesus saves, or God Bless someone, or their loved one is in Heaven, or we’ll/I’ll say a prayer for you, or you’re in our prayers, etc., etc. I genuinely understand the sentiment behind all of these statements, however I don’t find them to be at all helpful in my daily life and find them to be rather dishonest. Let me explain what I mean by dishonest. If I were to say to any of my friends, family, coworkers, or strangers that I meet, two times two is five, they’d tell me I’m wrong, or think I’m a dolt. If I were to say that the Earth is the center of the our Universe or flat, again, anyone who knows anything about astronomy or geography would consider me ignorant, uninformed, or again, a dolt. But what if it is what I believe to be true, regardless of a lack of any fact based material, or because it was how I was raised? Most of my friends are religious to some extent, as are most Americans, and most of my friends, who are genuinely friends, understand I am a critical thinker, about everything. I tend not to take things at face value, I want to know if what I am being told is “The Gospel Truth”, or just someone ranting about some bullshit they heard, or read on the internet, and have misquoted in typical fashion. That’s not to say that I haven’t fallen prey to unfounded things in my life. I have taken several things at face value, especially from previous employers. But, I can honestly say that I’ve not based my adult life on anything unfounded. One of the things I believe in, because it was the way I was raised, is trying to do the right thing and to not believe everything I hear, regardless of the source, until it can be proven. I don’t follow blindly and I believe in leading by example.

Now, as a child, I was raised to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I was also taught that homosexuals were perverts, not to be trusted, and that Blacks, American Indians, and Mexicans shouldn’t be trusted, were lazy, and need to stick to their own kind. These were not over the top rantings by my parents, but were made through subtle comments and behaviors. My parents weren’t the only ones making these subtle statements. They also came from my peers, coworkers and, at times, the media. They were wrong and are still incorrect in their assumptions. Their views are, and were, based in ignorance, irrationality, fear, and arrogant paternalism. The reality that I’ve discovered is most of the famous dirt bags of all time were “good”, “God” fearing, religious followers of some type. The number of religious groups throughout time who have committed atrocities in the name of their “God’s” far outweigh any other causes of destruction. These beliefs in their “God” is wholly unproven, but their “faith” was enough to commit tremendous acts of inhumanity, just like the belief that two times two is five because that’s what I was raised to believe.

Many of the Christians I know will say things like, “Well, that’s not what Jesus says”, or something to that effect. To them I can only say, you need to read your Bible a little closer. Jesus was a pacifist, his followers aren’t, nor are the teachings in the Old or New Testaments. The fact of the matter is, the New Testament says to adhere to the “old” laws. In every religious doctrine there is punishment, death, rape, murder, slavery and torture, all sanctioned by “God”; disobey and be punished, not just in the here and now, but in the afterlife. A real page turner of a book! Jesus, in the New Testament, also says to give away all your material possessions to the poor. I don’t see any of the churches doing this, nor do I see any of my Christian friends doing it either. In fact, most of my Christian friends lie, cheat, have stolen, suffer vanity, jealousy and fall pray to being human in an overwhelming fashion. They put their faith in the hands of the “Lord”, ask forgiveness and then never accept any personal responsibility for their misdeeds, because “Jesus” died for their sins. I even have friends who’ve found “God”, then make their living selling people over priced shit they’ll probably never use through the use of fear and protection of their loved ones and their assets. How Christian is that? The threat of financial ruin due to an unforeseen catastrophic illness as an insurance selling tool. How ethical and “Godly”! I’m positive that’s just what Jesus would do!

All of this “In God We Trust” and “One Nation Under God” rhetoric is just that, rhetoric. We are not a Christian nation, we are a nation of religious freedom. There is a huge difference. Religion shouldn’t be taught in public schools, unless they can teach all religions. Teaching all religions is an impossible and impracticable.Public schools are for learning basic academic skills, not for getting closer to “God”. If your child wants to pray in school, he/she should be allowed to, as long as it doesn’t interrupt the academic curriculum. Forcing a child to pray or embrace any “God” in a public forum is abusive, corrupt and reckless, not to mention a form of brain washing. Not to mention the fact that neither of those two phrases had any place on our money or in our pledge until the 1950′s, of course spurred on by the Communist scare of McCarthyism.

Morality, ethics, monogamy, marriage and all the other virtues that religion claim are the vestiges of “God” is a complete fabrication. All of those virtues existed long before any known religion was recorded. Perhaps our religious friends should do a little research on early Greek society, you know, the whole B.C. crowd. Religion does not unify the masses, it creates a belief system that perpetuates hate, judgment, and fear. Homosexuality is evil, dancing is evil, a woman showing her face in public is evil, sex before marriage is evil, disobeying “His” word as it is written (in parable) is evil, all I can say is bullshit! Parables to convey moral or ethical messages is evil because it leads to human interpretation which is always subjective, just like horoscopes. Believing in a story written hundreds of years after it supposedly happened, based on previous stories which happened centuries prior to that is just ridiculously ignorant.

If you are entrenched in a specific religious dogma and it brings you peace, good for you. If you need answers to questions that mankind hasn’t figured out yet and want to believe in the myth of an omnipotent being, then have at it. If you are an American, then please allow me my freedom from religion, it is my right as a citizen. If this has offended you, then perhaps you’re not as in touch with your “God” as you think and you can pray for me and reread the US Constitution and Bill of Rights. If it hasn’t offended you, then perhaps you have the common sense to know that I’ll only listen with disbelief and think you’re a dolt. I have the right to like you in spite of the fact that you believe in fairy tales. Show me the same respect…….for once!

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Since entering my 40′s, I’ve noticed a great deal about friends and family, they’re getting older. I know that sounds silly or simple, but take a few minutes to think about it. Our mothers and fathers are full blown geriatrics and our friends and classmates have crows feet, graying hair, no hair, and are carrying more than a few extra pounds. Each day we look in the mirror and discover a new oddity about ourselves. I don’t remember that brown spot on my forehead, when did that appear? Oh shit, it’s an age spot! When did my belly start sticking out farther than my chest? Damn, all these whiskers are white! What happened to my blond, brown, black whiskers? And, for some of the ladies, when did I start getting all these brown, black, gray whiskers?……. pluck or shave? The physical changes are boundless and unforgiving. But what about our minds?

I’ve been in contact with a wonderful bounty of old friends since the advent of Facebook. It, for the most part, is a wonderful creation. It has given me the opportunity to strengthen ties that would have other wise been lost. Many of which were created long ago and remained cherished in spite of the lack of recent contact. However, with those rekindled ties also comes a certain amount of responsibility. That responsibility lies in the fact that older friends tend to share a great deal about their lives. Those conversations range from the pride they have in their children and grandchildren to how often they have a solid/loose bowel movement. Let us not forget those who have enjoyed the throws of passion, recently or in the past, and can’t restrain themselves from sharing every wrinkly detail with you, just in case they  didn’t think you were up to speed on how it’s “properly” performed. I can honestly say I enjoy all of the conversations, regardless of how “inappropriate” they may seem to others. Sharing is a very valid part of friendship and so is the brutal honesty that comes along with being a good friend.

More and more often I’m finding out that middle aged people aren’t as happy as they seem. Meno/Andro-pause is rearing it’s ugly head in my burgeoning, geriatric community. Many of the men I’ve spoken to have discussed with me their lack of sex drive, their lack of ability to do the things they did twenty years ago, for instance, wake up without a sore back, walk without sounding like they have a clicker in their pocket, or read anything without some form of visual assistance. I’ve already mentioned the whole pooping issue.

For the women, it’s nearly the same, but kind of worse. I see the pictures of those who are grossly uncomfortable with the aging process. Growing old gracefully isn’t in the cards for many. Boob jobs, eye lifts, botox, collagen, tummy tucks, acid peels, and lipo suction are just a few of the age defying procedures on the menu for the “ever young” club. But what about the other things like lack of bladder control because of child birth or from the lack of keegel exercises? For those who can’t or won’t afford the previous procedures its the sagging boobs, drooping butt, the “bye-bye’ arms, the leathery skin from over tanning, the enlarged pores from said tanning, the countless bottles of hair dye, the stretch marks, the tummy bulge and last but not least, vaginal dryness! Calgon can’t take you away from any of this shit!

All of these things, or just a few, will curse us all. The real concern, for me anyway, is the mental aspects of the dreaded midlife crisis. I hear the talk and have felt the sting of how it all works the mind. What have I accomplished after all these years of life? Has it been enough to leave positive memories? What is my legacy? Am I now and have I been a good parent? Why didn’t I take better care of myself? Who am I really? Does anyone really love me? Do they know the real me? How do I make amends for being such a shit when I was younger?

Do any of us really know who we are and how we’re perceived by others? Probably not, if we’re not honest with those around us or ourselves. Probably yes, if we have been honest. Discussing our foibles, especially as we age, is a wonderful way to find where we stand in our lives and in the lives of others. Find humility, humor and forgiveness and make them part of your daily diet. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, tell your spouse how you feel. If they can’t handle it, are you really the problem? When someone loves you, without conditions, they will support you in your endeavors, even if it hurts their feelings in the beginning. Once you’ve found your way, you can only add to that relationship, which in turn will make it stronger. You may discover you’ve been living a lie and have to move on with a new course of action. Feelings change over time and as life deals us little nicks and scrapes, we adapt and try like hell to persevere. Regardless of the outcome, open and honest discussion is the key to overcoming adversity. You have to know where you are in order to know where to begin to fix things. Make the focus of a discussion about yourself and where you’re unhappy or lost, not on the other person and what they do that drives you nuts. You may discover what it is that’s lacking in your life.

In spite of the stretch marks, lack of regularity, aching back, and ‘bye-bye’ arms, we all need a place in this world and owe it to ourselves to find our own brand of happiness. Some of us are just crazy and some of you just aren’t…… I feel sorry for the “yous”, they just don’t know what’s funny!

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It’s nice to have a little time to write these days. Better yet, it’s nice to feel like writing again. I still have days that are long, arduous and leave me exhuasted, but these days, unlike the days of the recent past, are just busy and not overly stressful, or over adrenalized. I still have stress, but not the stress that makes you want to stab everyone in the face with a bowie knife. It’s a nice thing to be able to enjoy work again. It’s long over due.

One of the things I’ve been hearing again is, “how’s your book coming along?”. Well, slow, to be honest. It’s a considerable undertaking and I’m a bit of a detail guy when it comes to work that is so personal. Each time I re-read what I’ve written, I make changes, sometimes considerable changes. I don’t know too many professional writers, but the ones I do know are so busy they don’t have time for a budding amateur like myself. So, please be patient with me. I haven’t decided yet, but I may put up exerts from completed chapters in the future, just so people can get a feel for my character development and hopefully spark some interest.

I, also, have a short story that I’m working on and hope to be finished with it in the next few weeks to months. Perhaps it will appear in the spring. It’s a light, airy, romantic tale revolving around two middle-aged, simpatico lovers and their scenic canoe trip. Yes, I’m lying through my keyboard! It is about a canoe trip and they are middle-aged…….but………

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it all turns out!

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I brought in the new year departing from my normal form. I went to a party at a friend’s house and actually drank alcohol. Those of you who know me well, know I don’t participate in the consumption of alcohol with any frequency, nor any other possible mind altering substances. The fact that I’ve only drank a total of two beers in the last three years, until last night and not in one sitting of course, adds to the mystic of my departure from my norm. Now for those of you who are reading this and knew me as a much younger man, I was rarely without some substance in my system, and most often, copious amounts of a variety of substances in my system. Basically, prior to having children, I was a beer drinking, pot smoking, coke snorting, acid dropping, mushroom eating, pill popping, bar fighting, substance abusing womanizer, but not necessarily in that order. My true “adult” life has been a large departure from the afore mentioned behaviors. I don’t miss them.

Any way, back to last night. This party was a conglomeration of friends, their family members, girlfriends and acquaintances. Those below the age of legal consumption were monitored closely to keep them on the straight and narrow, but those meeting the required legal age were not monitored. It showed.

I had no plan of getting intoxicated, but did plan on having at least two Spotted Cows; a lovely micro-brewed, local Wisconsin beer, which I was introduced to earlier this year at a friend’s birthday party. I was the designated driver, so literally only took two sips that evening, but knew it was a beverage I wanted to revisit at a more appropriate time.

Upon my arrival at the New Year’s Eve party, it was obvious that it had started long before I arrived. Several of the participants had been drinking a vodka based concoction most similar to a Cosmo and drank them like the one who consumed the most would win a large platinum prize. Very quickly, I realized the gathering was going to have many aspects of a typical Wisconsin party…… mass quantities of alcohol consumption, sexual debauchery, and probably a fight or two.

Most of the over-imbibed were females in their twenty somethings who had allowed their over indulgence to lay their inhibitions to rest, for the remainder of the evening at least, and for this evening it would be okay to gently explore lesbian curiosities. I am not a shy man, nor am I a prude in any form or fashion, but I am a calculating man who knows his limits. I can not say that is the case for a few at the party. For the first time in my life, I was glad to be the oldest person in the room. You know, the old dude with the white-ish, well groomed beard and the creepy sense of humor, whose jokes the drunk chics don’t understand. It was, for the first time in my life, comfortable to be the elder statesman. It was an impressive show nearly the entire evening. The staggering, the falling, the sudden mood swings, the grossly inappropriate comments, the sudden situations laden with drama, and the laughter, non of which were at my expense, nor were they of my doing. I was the proverbial fly on the wall and it was great!

The vast majority of my friends, these days, are considerably younger than I am. They have proven to be far more accepting of my lack of a party lifestyle and have a great appreciation for an older dude without the excuse of “I’m too old for that shit”, but says instead, “Been there done that and outgrew it”. I’m the hall monitor now,  the teacher who the teenage girl shares her fear of a mistaken pregnancy with and seeks desperate advice from, because she doesn’t want to disappoint her parents, or the friend whom a closeted gay person comes out to, because they know it won’t change my opinion of them, but they just can’t keep living a lie. I like my skin now and am comfortable living in it.

That party was something I needed to attend, am grateful for being invited, grateful for having participated, and even more grateful for the moments of inappropriate laughter, genuine camaraderie, and the strengthening of my choice of restraint in all things mind altering.

No fights broke out, but I wonder if anyone puked? ….. I have a few calls to make!

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It’s quickly coming upon us, the end of another year. According to the Mayan Calendar, this may be our last as we’ve known them. We’ll see, won’t we.

My life has gone through some remarkable changes over the last year. Remarkable to me  any way. I had to buy my first pairs of reading glasses and I’ve changed jobs twice this year, all in the search of that “Fit”, and the ability to read small print at less than an arms length. I think I may have found the “Fit”, but my vanity is still struggling with the small print thing.

The people at my newest employer have expressed traits I’ve not seen in a very long time. Humor is their daily practice. Compassion and team work, their foundation. Not a single person I’ve met, thus far, has shown anything but a welcoming attitude, an accepting personality, and sincere concern for mutual success. Their jobs are to go out of their way to keep their fellow employees happy and contented in their field of endeavor. They do it well. They are very quick with a smile and a joke, and slow with a critique. They answer your questions, give you all the tools they have available and they do it with sincerity. I genuinely believe they are the exception to the rule of modern business. They roll “old school” and I like it.

Every fellow driver I’ve met is quick to help to me with any problem situation I encounter. They are equally quick to bust my balls when the heat is off, something I can appreciate. So far, they are all “real” people, with “real” senses of humor, character, integrity, ethics, and the understanding of team work.

I have had three jobs, as an adult, that I have adored. One was while on active duty, the other a driving job which my personal life ruined, and the last was destroyed by our economic down turn. All of these past “love’s” may have been the training ground for this career. It’s nice to be accepted for who you are and what you’re capable of doing, to have people put trust in you, and to succeed in honoring that trust. I know I have more failures to endure and learn from. I just hope my successes carry enough weight to make those failures acceptable and the situations understandable.

So, to all of you at that “Mystery Company”, that I’ve had the pleasure to encounter and work with, I give a sincere “Thank You”, for renewing my faith in the American workplace and for giving me a very happy ending to a very frustrating year.

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I’m sure a few of you are wondering WTF happened to Jeff? Has he been writing? Why isn’t he posting any blogs? He has a different take on so many things, some a bit crazy, some very funny and some, well, I sure wouldn’t talk to my pastor about what he wrote, but it did make me think. Well, here’s the scoop. I’m swamped with other projects, work and lethargy. The past years of driving truck, which entails being away from home for extended periods, along with extremely long work hours, has allowed my home to suffer in regard to basic maintenance. My roof had to be redone this summer, my foundation needs repair and the inside of the home needs some serious updating. All of this costs money. Money in bulk, not just a pocket full of one’s and five’s, but pocket fulls of hundred’s, and by the time it’s all completed, pocket fulls of thousands. Given the state of the economy, it couldn’t have happened at a worse time…..the story of my life, as a home owner.

I have several writing projects in the works, but can’t seem to get motivated to write when I have the time to spare. As of late, I have very little time to even check on my Facebook page. Both projects are short stories involving the considerably darker side of my imagination.  I am hoping, in the very near future, I’ll get back to writing more. I miss sharing my thoughts and imagination, but don’t miss the intensity it involves at times, sometimes the darkness stays with me for weeks.

I have chosen not to talk about work and it’s tribulations in my blog, due to the fact I could be fired for some of the things I think and feel, if ever committed to public notice. The work is pretty steady, they pay pretty well, my bills are being paid and it’s enough to sock away little pieces of my earnings into a meager savings account. I’ve already said too much.

The person who was ghost writing posts on my page has his own blog site now. A few of you asked me about it, it wasn’t my writing, or my writing style. I’m glad I was able to help him find his own place to write. I haven’t edited his posts from my site, because he hasn’t fully migrated his posts from my blog to his. Hopefully this will be done soon.

Oh well, I have to bounce. My son, my girlfriend’s son and myself are helping a friend do some moving today. You can never have enough hands for that task. Besides, the move is not from a want, but from a sorrow filled need out of their control. It’s what friends should do for each other!

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My heart feels as if it’s been crushed
by the gavel of my destiny.
This gavel has mocked my love
And filled me with jealousy.
But, why am I angry?
I understand it is my flaw.
I understand he acted first.
He is a good man, yet angry fills me,
And yet I want to murder him.
Why is the human condition so crude,
And Why am I so broken down?
–
I feel as if the world hates me,
And as if I were alien to its ranks.
And now, when I look at her, only sadness,
All the once know joy has died.
Is this world torturing me for my flaws,
Or am I the cause of this misery?
My love is cruel, as I assume all love is,
But why must it stab me again and again,
And until I feel no more?
Why must love live off of despair,
And imprison all human hearts?
–
I now am lost in my emotions,
And lost in the battle for their control.
Has this pureed heart driven me insane?
Have my lust and jealousy gotten the better of me?
Must I admit my fear and my sadness to all around me,
rather than act as if I am unharmed?
If so, I am hurt, and though impossible,
I feel like she has betrayed me for another.
But we had nothing together, only I felt this love,
And I am the lone sufferer of this horrid pain,
And I refuse to blame her at all for my suffering.
–
I hope in time my heart will heal,
Yet deep within me I want to suffer for eternity.
Suffer for not being strong,
And suffer for my self instability.
And Yet it feels like my heart wont quit.
So, why can’t I have Cupid’s arrow to sway my princess,
Why must I be held at this love, only to be denied it?
What does this world want from me, and how,
How is it that I am so weak I fear myself?
Why has the world put such a beauty in front of me
Only for me to be ravaged by my own emotions? Why?
—-

-Cub Buttinski

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Black and White

My life is dull

It’s all my fault

I’m void and null.

–

I never try.

I quit before the start.

I’m such an idiot,

Yet so smart.

–

I dream of death

Though I have no reason to

My life is good,

Yet I feel sick through and through.

–

I don’t know love

But strong feelings brew

For a girl I “know”

Couldn’t like this hue.

My yellowness tells of fear,

My red speaks of gaul,

My brown says she’d love me

Then yellow kills ‘em all.

—-

-Cub Buttinski

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A state of  loss confined

To an aura of perplexity.

An empty meadow full

Of common flush.

A flood of emotion,

Of fear, of anxiety;

And a sound so quiet,

A voice so hush.

–

Following a path lined with daggers,

Darkness, and discretion.

A flawed decision, a hopeless plight

To warn all others that I’m not alright;

But no one hears, they’re def in their way,

And stuck in regression.

Encumbered by sickness, this sickness

A blight in the skewed light.

–

Booming and rising the darkness consumes

Letting no light pass through.

Transforming this boy in the mirror

Whom is supposedly me.

The monster is him,

He kills, he tortures, he’s the one who’s new.

What a lie, he is me, who dare make the claim?

“I would”, says he, “to protect us from me.”

—-

-Cub Buttinski

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I know a boy who is very quiet,

But inside this boy is a scary riot,

Inside he cries for a girl with green eyes,

Tortured by his own mortal ties.

–

He can’t sleep at night,

He just tosses and turns.

She’s always in his mind, bright,

As bright as the sun burns.

Her vivacious beauty tearing

At his lonesome heart,

Like the air’s wearing

That breaks the stone apart.

–

He can’t overcome this pain

It just keeps stabbing and stinging.

He hopes one day his love will rain,

And leaves her heart gleefully ringing;

But until then his muscles are weak,

And apathy rules his mind.

His days are dreadful and bleak

From loving a girl who’s one-of-a-kind.

–

I know a boy in a deathly swirl,

But will push on for this girl,

Push on for the girl with green eyes

Even if this torture is his demise.

—-

-Cub Buttinski

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